Image: mararie
We’re talking professional bums, not bums in the true sense of the word, as in body part, or area. We mean the office-dodging, outdoor-loving type who actually get paid a wage for bumming around, rather than those who sponge off everyone else.
Being a professional bum is truly an art form that few people can master but most aspire to. Yep, even workaholics. Scrap that, especially workaholics. Being a bum takes courage, a different way of looking at life, and more often than not, an ability to live on a shoe string, because no matter how tempting bumming around seems, it rarely pays well.
Still, if you’re fed up with the daily grind and being bound by the ties of modern living then read on and see our list of top jobs for bums. You may just find the job of your dreams.
1. Dive Guide
Image: Mindarie Diving
Imagine waking up every morning knowing that your whole day will be filled with nothing but hours beneath the waves, revelling in all the depths behold. If you’re submerged before daybreak you may be lucky enough to see sharks still sleeping on the sandy ocean floor, parrot fish emerging from their transparent night-time cocoons and marine life starting their day anew. And all before you would have had to cram on to a packed, stifling train filled with miserable faces and smelly armpits.
2. Ski/Snowboard Instructor
Image: Michael S Dorus
If you plan it just right, like a small handful of lucky people manage to, you could do a summer bumming job, then head off to the snowfields for winter. Or, if you’re really clever, and totally obsessed with skiing and all things snow, you could plan your whole year around the white fluffy stuff. Ski season starts around the beginning of November in the US and Europe, and you may find snow in some parts of Europe right up to the end of April. Then head down to the southern hemisphere where the snow fields in New Zealand can open as early as June, usually July in Australia – yes, they do have snow – and then end the season in South America. Job done.
3. Medical Research Victim
Image: Sarah Maxwell
If the outdoor life isn’t your scene, or you’re not terribly keen on working up a sweat, then you still have choices. Well, to an extent. Medical research facilities offer some decent wads of cash in return for your bodily functions and full cooperation. Simply search the classifieds in the newspaper (ignoring the bordering on dodgy ads) and sign up to get a newly invented medicinal pumped into your body. There may be a slight chance of mass swelling and critical illness, so safety is not guaranteed. Free board and lodgings, lots of money and more needles than a haystack can hold, however, are.
4. Surf Life Saver
Images via: Ratalent and Starpulse
Pipping their indoor, chlorine-smelling cousins at the post, the beach lifeguard, or surf life saver, as they’re known in the US and Australia, enjoys sunshine and sea air from the best seat on the sand. This position grants the person with, not only great power over other beach-dwellers, but also the chance to look like a hero in front of hordes of half-naked beach-patrons. Couple this with the option of riding high-powered land and sea vehicles, and maybe even work with Pamela Anderson, and you have a great way to pass the time and earn an income.
5. Tour Guide
Image: David Holmes
So you’ve always wanted to travel but would like to get paid while you’re doing it, then why not try out guiding for a while? Travel is big, big business, and all the tour companies need enthusiastic guides. It helps, and is sometimes necessary, that you know the area you’d like to show tourists around. Alternatively, some companies let you accompany current guides to get a feel for the area and learn about the history, culture and fables of the surrounds. It sure beats sitting in an office for eight to ten hours a day.
6. Musician
Image: freeloosedirt
Who needs a big house, fast car, and financial stability when instead you can have your music? With literally tens of adoring fans at each bar you visit, the joy is in earning money for something that you’d honestly do for free. The problems occur, however, when – even though you’re obviously brilliant at what you do and Simon Cowell really doesn’t know what he’s missing – your love for your music isn’t enough to pay the bills. But of course it doesn’t mean giving it up completely; you could always be a tour guide in your spare time and serenade a captive (*read: unable to escape) audience every evening. Could life be any more perfect?
7. Yacht Skipper
Image via: NauticExpo
Ah, life on the ocean waves, how merry a life could be… ‘Tis true, for those with strong stomachs sailing is one of those jobs that people do for the love of it, because it pays a pittance. The way to earn slightly more than the minimum wage is to join a sailing company that arranges holiday flotillas. You’re paid to guide a few yachts and their residents around certain hopelessly picturesque parts of the ocean for weeks at a time. Better still, if you find having sea legs suits you, sign up for an instructor course down the line and make a career out of it. You’ll need to have a real love of loafers and polo shirts, though, too. You have been warned.
8. Paintball Poacher
Image: Ken Thomas
If you’ve ever tried to walk down a busy main street during dinner hour you may have come across this rare breed of a bum, or been mercilessly harangued by one. A paintball poacher is someone who stands on the streets, in the mall, anywhere big crowds gather, and tries to persuade you that shooting each other at close range with paint pellets is great fun. Well, it is actually; especially if you’re not on the receiving end. As the job is basically a sales job, even though sellers get a small hourly wage, it’s also commission based so may not be very lucrative, and explains why many PPs could get a first degree honours in public harassment.
9. Activity Leader
Image: Erich
While some jobs entail selling an activity, others involve running the activity, and are generally reserved for those with excessive energy levels, ADDH, or people who really wanted to join the army but couldn’t get in. Earning money for being physically active, and doing something you would usually be doing anyway, is not a terrible way to earn money. Whether you’re hanging from a wire in a forest canopy or getting wet and muddy on an assault course with a clamour of children, you’ll be happy. Plus, you’ll probably earn more respect from those groups of kids than any demanding, unpleasant boss.
10. Skydiver
Image: Steve Montgomery
Adrenaline is your best friend; you can’t get enough of it, but have to wait a whole working week to get your fix. Or do you? Over the past few decades, chucking yourself out of a plane at high altitude has become increasingly popular. Those people that train weekend revellers need to practice, practice, and practice before they’re allowed to take responsibility for other people’s madness, erm, lives. So, if you love the sport that much, why not ditch your day job and go ride those thermals?
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You gotta get real. These are some of the toughest jobs for lowest pay.
Dive guides get up at 0500 (not joking), haul tanks to the (140 dB, 45C) compressor, fill them, haul them to the boat, fix lunch, handle incompetent divers for 3-4 dives (otherwise they dont NEED a dive guide) , just intermixed by serving lunch, hauling more tanks, and probably hauling a few of them out of the water.
Skippers have a similar ordeal. They have night shifts as well, haul as much gear but only go on a wet deck, not in the water. They get equally wet still.
Surf dive guides actually have to know, and perform, rescues, and keep a constant guard. Musicians have to practice. And practice. And practice. Probably start while you are 5 or something. Most of them also get a lot of gear to haul.
So for all the other stuff. Instructurs, guides and skippers don’t get to do the fun stuff, but they get to assist incompentent dweebs doing the good stuff, and haul a lot of gear.
But you will get a lean body with lors of upper body muscles.